I'm the center of attention...in the walls inside my head.

So being alone with myself always seems to be dangerous. It's then I realize how it feels to be a schizophrenic with voices in my head.

There are moments of day dreaming; you know the one where you are staring in a Broadway musical one night and you walk to the red carpet on the arm of a Hollywood director the next.

Then sets in the wishing (this typically involves coveting). You wish you had a car like all the Brentwood kids you teach, or you wish you had the hair of the blonde bombshell that just walked in the coffee house, or those legs on Lea Michele in that gorgeous dress at the Grammys.

Here comes the all too perfect planning. You have a YMCA membership that you haven't used in months...you are going to start going everyday rotating sculpting class and aerobics to get that body. If you scrimp on groceries for a while you can loose some weight and save up money for highlights at that salon you love.

But then the disgust sets in as you realize you have a little to no chance of making it happen. You're five foot one with thunder thighs; you'll never have those legs. You can't have long blonde hair cause you got crazy and decided to chop it off before Christmas. And although you work in Brentwood, you make a crap salary and the dented mom car is just going to have to do.

I don't know how much of this is truth and how much is lies, but the disgust is what sticks. The dreams and plans come and go so quickly, but the disgust last for days.

Not until much later does the fog of disgust rise. When I'm seeing a little more clearly, I remember these things don't matter. THEY DON'T MATTER. Your best friends will remind you of this. But once I'm alone with myself to too long...here I go down the rabbit hole again.

25, veinticinco, quarter of a century

Twenty five, veinticinco, quarter of a century...whatever you want to call it, I'm turning 25, and I'm not enthused. Not too sure why, but I most certainly am not. I've been shuffling through the possibilities of why it might be.

1. I promised Brent that if neither one of us were married by 25 then we would marry each other. Being that he was never a favorable prospect, this is not a good thing. And I'm pretty sure I meant by the end of my 25th year...so there is still hope!

2. I'm back in school. I never planed to be life long student and 3 years ago I thought I was done. But I love where school is taking me; I'm going to teach, there's no doubt about that.

3. My butt is freaking huge thanks to too much Pepsi and the Drawdy's big bottom gene! This is just unacceptable but fixable.

Really I think it is the fact that I'm one year older but not one year closer to anything other than death. I'm working through it, and once the celebration is over at 11:59 tomorrow I will accept the fate of 25. Who knows, I could be dreading a year of wonderful wishes and dreams fulfilled. Thank goodness I don't hold tomorrow in my hands.

So today begins week two of sleeping in, taking time to sip on my coffee, and sitting around in my robe while I do some Internet surfing. Sounds fabulous, right? Not so much.

See, there is this one factor looming over my head...I'm jobless. Those two little words seem to take away all the joy I would typically find in being lazy and enjoying the luxuries of sleep, coffee, and my fuzzy pink bunny robe.

Some mornings I indulge my self pity and sit on the computer "hunting" for jobs (while I also make the most of my time catching up on my favorite blogs, too). But because I know I would hate myself if I live every morning like that, I usually get up, shower, and get out of the house. Usually, I'm headed to Starbucks where the Internet connection is better and there are people talking loudly. At home there is the overwhelming silence that allows me to think about all the worst case scenarios like running out of money and no body wanting to hire during the "recession." Here I feel a tad more productive and looking half-way decent in case there are errands to run, or the possible but not probable chance an interview comes up.

I can hear your comments now, "Have faith, He will provide." Thanks, I know. He has done so so many times before even for the little and insignificant things. I guess the hardest time to trust isn't in the big life altering decisions that you really have no control over, but in the times of waiting to simple see what is next, what is best.

Mini Update

In case I haven't told you the story yet, I am no longer and Internet Producer at LifeWay. I have taken a Nanny position for a beautiful baby girl. I'm attending graduate school this Fall to earn my masters in secondary education. I hope to teach high school English and journalism.

By the world's standards, this is crazy enough to commit me. But I wish I could share with you the unbelievable peace that the Lord has given me along with His direction. This year has continuously been a year of unpredictable change. I wish I could tell you more, but these things are better shared in person (I talk with my face and hands)!

I just wanted to share how the Lord was moving and blessing me in my Ever After.

"Welcome to the real world" she said to me.

It's been way to long since I have written. I know, unacceptable. But honestly so much has been going on. I know the winter months are supposed to be the slow and dreary times, but I have been non stop. I'm amazed I've even had time to breathe (ok, that is an exaggeration), I think I've just been lazy too. That is what winter does to me, it makes me lazy. My laziness = my house looking like an awful mess, but that is another story.
Luckily, the clouds are parting, the windows have been rolled down, and the mercury is rising. In an over dramatic way, I feel that new life has been breathed into me. What does this mean?

1. Planning for the summer concert season has begun! On the schedule we have
James Morrison

Paramore & No Doubt


Coldplay
I'm super excited about all of the shows and hope to put some more on the schedule. If you have any suggestions, let me know.
2. I've been making plans for another move. I'm moving in with my sweet Katrina in the fall, and life will never be the same. LOL.
3. This weekend I'm doing the Nashville thing and I'm finally going to a casting call. Cliche I know, but you only live once. And if you live in Nashville, you have to take advantage of the wild and crazy opportunities that come your way. The casting call is for The Real World season 23. I know I'm not "their type," but anything could happen. I figured the experience would be like no other, and I'm bound to meet some interesting people. I will have a full report on Monday, so be sure to ask.
4. And it seems that my hair seems to change with the seasons. So for now it is reddish, simply cause it can be a screaming fuchsia because I am a working professional. A girl can dream.

Paramore "Decode" Video from Twilight Soundtrack

The music video for Paramore's song "Decode" off of the Twilight soundtrack premiered today. At first I was hesitent that the movie and all thing surronding it would not meet my expectations of the book series, but I have been surprised at how my expectations and what I am actually seeing are on the same page. The Twilight soundtrack releases in stores tomorrow, and I found out that there are extra tracks if you purchase it on iTunes. Borders also has an exclusive track if you purchase it from Borders.com. You better believe I will be jumping on the soundtrack Tuesday! Here is the new video. I hope you enjoy.

Paramore - New Music - More Music Videos

The anticipation might kill me if Edward doesn't get to it first.

Last week I finally finished Breaking Dawn, the fourth and final book in the Twilight series. I enjoy reading and taking my time with a book, but I couldn't put this series down. It may have something to do with my former Buffy the Vampire Slayer obsession in middle school, but gorgeous vampires seem to be my great escape. Honestly, it's completely contradictory to my girlie girl side, but so is being techie. But my geeky scifi and boyish adventure movie obsession is meant for another blog.

Now for the real reason I am writing:
The first book in the series Twilight has been made into a movie and will be premiering in theaters on November 21st. If you haven't read any of them yet, I suggest you get started. It won't take you long to read because you won't be able to put it down. This is the best trailer for the movie I have seen yet. Enjoy.